Single, Studying, and Searching.

I have become a university student in way too many ways.
Not just a university student, oh no no, not that simple...
A single first year nursing student.
Is that my label? It's most certainly what I've become.
Many a night I lose sleep because I'm up late trying to finish a paper or do the readings for once...or maybe there's a midterm. If it's not actual work I simply can't sleep because of stress, or thinking of all the things I should've/need to do.
This is when napping becomes a new pastime. It's one of my favorite things in life, to sleep the afternoon away. Today was a solid three hour nap with the heater on and slippers still on my feet, all bundled under the covers. My body loves naps, and I approve. Sometimes...it's the high light of my day.
Being in nursing suddenly means weird things are the topic of most my conversations. Despite the fact that most my conversations aren't with the nursing students (outside of the campus that is). Jokes are made about catheders and bed making, "maintaining the integrity of your bubble," and ethical dilemmas. Mainly..."dirty" words are now a main part of my vocabulary. Along with being in nursing...there's some weird reputation to uphold of being hot, sleepless, and ready to party.
Really?
Hmmm.
Which brings me to my next point...appearance. This is no longer high school, and that my friends, is beautiful. I will dress how I want according to how I feel and the weather. Nothing else will determine this. And no matter how weird I dress, the fine arts kids will ALWAYS beat me. This means I can dress like a hippy, rock the sweats, or do it up in a dress, and I wouldn't really be judged in any way. I'm down.
Does being single mean you have to feel down, in a depressed kind of way? Because. Well, I feel as though I'm being forced into that. Everybody reaches university and couples off into degrees and relationships. The funny thing I find is it isn't like high school any longer, where it's about how pretty or popular your significant other is. Now it's about the kind of reputation they will have, the money they will be making. Big money = engineers, law, med.
Hours upon hours of studying and not socializing may be why I'm still on my own. And after these hours I get grumpy...because...who likes studying? So when I finally get to see my friends, it's almost an effort to be social.
And now...everything is related to university life in one way or another. The amount of time I spend with friends is calculated into how many pages I could've read or paragraphs I could've written. Money is translated into how many textbooks it could buy. The way people dress categorize them into fine arts, art, med, or law. Things seen on TV, read in books, or observed on the streets are all suddenly somehow related to what I learned in class, or my research paper.
Sometimes I go days without showering, simply because I got too busy.
Throw one thing that wasn't planned into my schedule, and I can't deal.
Texting is how i stay connected.
Money is no longer something I relate to.
And Grey's Anatomy makes me feel better.
Sometimes I have to study in my scrubs just for motivation.
And I'm scared to death that I just may kill somebody, when they let me out into the real world.

Ironic.

So...I wrote this post about how things weren't exactly working out, most things, but it was okay because it doesn't get me down, because there's always something else that will work out, but then society tells me it's not what I want and it's not okay.
Basically I came to the realization that I'm okay with things going wrong but outside influences aren't and that's where the stress develops.
Anyways, I did this brilliant post, hit post...and it didn't work. Error.
And I laughed.

Okay...I've never felt like this before. No I'm not...
in love
sick
tired
jet lagged
scared
nervous.
I don't know what I am! But whatever it is...I've basically lost the ability to concentrate. It started about...mm...2 weeks ago? I'm not sure why or how or completely one. But it's frustrating.
You see, before the tipping point, I was working like a mad woman. Volunteering, organizing, working, doing homework (incredibly well and fully understanding), studying for days for tests and acing them, being with people. Overall, I was feeling like superwoman, and it had been going on for months.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I can't do it anywhere. I want to, I reallly really want to. But something's blocking it from happening. Like...I try, but I fall asleep. I try, but the phone rings. I try, but I actually just look at the pages. Then I get to the test and I'm not stressed or frustrated or confused. I actually think I'm doing well, understanding. Then I get my test mark back to be even more perplexed by the terrible grade. How could this have happened? I knew what I was doing!
Hoooly! What's going on! I'm so scared of losing my university acceptance and scholarships...my brain's gone down the toilet. Or maybe it's clogging the toilet? I don't even know...

Okay, I Promise, No More Procrastination

So, I just need to get my thoughts out of my head before I sit down and focus on this huge stupid Chem lab due tomorrow. So, I wrote a History essay today handed in a document analysis, wrote a paragrph, have 100 MC questions to do tomorrow, and another document analysis. In Chemsitry, I just found out I got 62% on a test I thought I aced, and have two combined Chem lab formal write ups due tomorrow. AND just got a call from the other Lauren letting me know we're actually speaking TONIGHT not TOMORROW night at this resort. Meaning, hey, let's panic. Ready? GO
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Pressure point: Second bad chem test in a row. If my grades drop too much I lose my university acceptance, and some scholarships along with it...obviously. This 2-day History test will have the same effect on my mark if I don't do well. Lauren and I haven't reviewed our presentation for tonight...at all. What do I wear? And, Chemistry labs and tests are the two things we can't omit from our grades. Okay, I'm leaving now.

I will focus. Do well. Speak well. Wear whatever I'm wearing well.